Clinical psychotherapist, author, and educator, Robert Weiss, offers a witty perspective on one of this year's hottest selling books while giving clinical insight about women who struggle with sex addiction in this Huffington Post blog:
|
There are probably 100 different scenarios for this type of situation, but the main themes for this situation are 1) You have been dating someone and did not know that he/she has been struggling with sex addiction and 2) You have knowingly and willing entered into a romantic relationship with someone who is in recovery from sexual addiction. Again, I do not mean to over simplify your personal situation, because it is different for everyone, but writing room permitted, we will examine only the underlying themes.
The term dating can be vague. In essence, it means that one is single, but is spending time with one (or more) individual as a romantic prospect. In social media this may be put in terms of: single, in a relationship, or the infamous, “it’s complicated.” For the sake of simplicity in this blog, I will be defining dating as someone who you are seeing exclusively in a romantic context but not living with, partnered with, or married. That being said, partners and other family members, please visit this link for more information: http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-education/for-family-members
Let’s begin with the first scenario. My educated guess tells me that you are here because you either seriously suspect or have recently been told (what is often referred to as disclosure) that the person you are dating is struggling with sex addiction. Hopefully the person told you themselves. The next thing that usually follows is, “What do I do?” And it is a good question. My best answer is, it is different for everyone. But let me make an assumption here, you are here because you are conflicted. You are hurt and upset by what you have learned about the person you are dating, but you also see the good in this person and care about him/her enough to contemplate staying in the relationship. Moreover, you are wondering what exactly is sex addiction, what does that mean about the person you are dating, and how does it affect you.
I want to keep this simple so as not to overwhelm you with information during an already stressful time. Sex addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior that interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment. You probably have many questions and for more frequently asked questions, please visit: http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-education/what-is-sex-addiction-faqs .
What does it mean about the person that you are dating? They have recognized that they are having a problem with their behavior and they trust you. It’s not easy to disclose something like this, so when they do, it is usually with the hope that it will not scare you away. For the person entering recovery, this may mean a great deal of work (therapy, could be inpatient, outpatient, or both and probably a 12-Step group) and should you continue to date each other, couple’s counseling can be highly valuable for the relationship and the both of you as individuals.
What does this mean for you, definitely some soul searching. Why would you stay? Why would you go? First and foremost, this is NOT your fault. But if you decide to stay, you too will have to do some work. It can be very helpful to speak with your own therapist about the situation, especially a therapist who understands sex addiction and recovery. They will have a better understanding of what you too might go through. I want to be honest with you, this can feel like an emotional rollercoaster and there are no guarantees that the relationship will work out in the long run; however, I have also witnessed couples who have survived the disclosure process, worked hard in therapy, and are still together years later with an even better relationship than before therapy.
This is an individual choice and only you can make it for yourself. Should you decide to stay, we have many resources available for you and we can also help you find a therapist: http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists
|
*Excerpts from Women and Sex Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. in COUNSELOR June 2006
For years people have regarded sex addiction as primarily a male problem. Yet the numbers have remained steadily parallel to those found in alcoholism and gambling:
|
As you search for information and resources to help you, you will probably notice that there are several names for problematic sexual behavior such as, sexual addiction, sexual compulsivity, and hyper-sexual disorder. What to call the problem is for the
|
Dr. Patrick Carnes explains that most addicts who are successful in recovery follow a recipe that includes a specialized therapist, group psychotherapy, 12-step meetings, and sponsorship. The 12-step process works because of the sense of safety created from shared experience.
|
At What Point Does Behavior Constitute Addiction?
|
An excerpt from Chapter 3 of Facing the Shadow:
The problem is that sex is not talked about much so most people are unaware of the diversity and intensity of human sexual behavior. This is our culture's big secret and
|
In 1983, Patrick Carnes described addiction as "a pathological relationship with a mood-altering experience" in Out of the Shadows. In Chapter 2 of Facing the Shadow he further describes sexual addiction:
"For sex addicts, sex becomes the priority for which
|
For some, breaking through denial of the problem is easy because things have become so bad (loss of relationships, job, home, money) that they experience what is called "hitting bottom." Others may reach out for help before they lose it
|
